What To Do When Life Sucks

What do you do when life really sucks?

If someone were to stand in front of me when my life was falling apart and say “persevere!” I would smack them! But if I smack them, it leaves me with an assault charge and I still have to persevere (or give up). I guess you can call this a fork in the road.

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I understand perseverance can feel like a dirty word. The process of persevering is hard and uncomfortable, but it is perseverance that gets you through the struggle. I’m interested in how perseverance works RIGHT NOW when it hurts the most, aren't you?

Below I’m going to list out ten practical tips to help you navigate your current struggle. But who am I and what do I know about perseverance? I’m glad you asked.

I became very obsessed with the word perseverance when I was 24. At the time I was hooked to wound vacs, heart catheters, conversations of amputation, hair loss, muscle transplants, hyperbaric chambers, a massive infection, and a voided performance contract that was to take me to the Mediterranean. Did I paint a picture for you? Unfortunately I also have experience with anxiety, depression, and infertility.

Through these struggles I have learned a number of things and it my privilege to share some advice on the subject of “what do you do when life really sucks”.

First off… I’m sorry about what you’re going through. I won’t pretend to know exactly what you’re struggle entails because I don’t, but I can stand beside you and I can offer hope. For some I can even offer a road map on how to move forward.

Struggles and learning go hand-in-hand. So lets get straight about struggles and what it means to persevere.

Before I get into the tips it is important to have a good understanding of the definition of perseverance. I started researching the word perseverance somewhat out of desperation. My research landed me in the book of Romans from the best-selling book of all time: the Bible. The author, Paul, teaches about perseverance. He says that “struggles are what produce perseverance, perseverance is what produces character, and character produces hope.” Read that again because I’m going to unwrap that.

In order TO persevere you have to struggle. In simple terms: perseverance is not quitting.

It is the act of persevering (not quitting) that develops your character – and if you want to be a person of GREAT character guess what? You have to go through a struggle. Take a look at the people whom you have a great respect for… why do you have that respect for them? What shaped them? People of great character have forged their character through the fires of trials. Perhaps that is exactly what is happening to you right now. So while the struggle is uncomfortable can you be open-minded enough to look for the lessons it is trying to teach you and allow the shaping to take place? As we shape our character it develops our hope in the future. As we persevere from one struggle to the next our hope grows. Our resilience grows. We realize we are stronger than we thought. Allow the process to shape you.

Because of my personal struggles, I know without a doubt (and I don’t need anyone else’s endorsement) that I’m one tough chick!

Now that we have an understanding how struggles can serve a purpose – how do we apply that and not just press fast forward on our life? If you skip this part of your life you will actually shortchange yourself.

Now I’m ready to share some tactical advice on how you can face your struggle.

#1 Don’t hide from the struggle. Name it. Own it. What?! Yes, I know it hurts and its rough, and this struggle is not really who you are, but it is a piece of you. So name it. Give it the recognition it is screaming at you for. I’m not encouraging you to like it – nope – I’m suggesting you recognize it.

Naming your pain: for example if your knee hurts you don’t go to the dentist and and say help me. He can’t! You go to an orthopedic doctor, who specializes in knee pain, and you say “my knee hurts” and then you point to the exact location. When we identify the problem we can come up with a solution! So name it.

#2 Go through the grief. There are five stages of grief: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Do NOT suppress any of them – walk through them. And for crying out loud, cry when you need to. No apologies. None of the stages of grief are pretty and some of the stages will last longer than others. But if you suppress them, they will just manifest and surface later in life, usually worse. For example… think of your “thing” as though it is mold. If you put mold in a deep dark basement, it will grow and grow and grow and eventually cause sickness throughout your entire household. On the flipside, if you have mold and you set it in the sun – it won’t manifest and cause bigger problems – the sun will kill it. Mold is ugly when you first put it in the light –people will see it - which makes it tempting to bury it in the basement. Don’t do it. Bring the ugliness into the light.

A year into my injury I was sitting with my counselor still crying. I kept apologizing. He asked me what my expectation was. I explained to him that my accident had been over a year ago. He said, “so?” I said, “So?!” He went on to say, “Adrienne how many years were you working on your career as a performer?” I told him it had been at least 15 years and he responded, “and you think you are going to get over that in a year?”

Whoa! That was huge for me. My family was tired of my crying, but I was still on the grief journey. I had to stay the course.

#3 You are not alone. Even the most successful people struggle. Some people are just better at hiding it then others.

In my physical and internal struggles one of the hardest things was feeling isolated and alone. The loneliness fueled my depression which brought on the monsoons of tears. If you are lucky enough to know someone who has walked the road you are on then reach out to that person.

You are not alone. God never leaves you or forsakes you. It may not feel that way at moments, but it is the truth. Accept it. And Pray! If prayer is a part of your life, then keep on praying. If prayer isn’t a part of or your life, well… there is no time like the present. Talk to God like you would a friend. You can be blunt and informal. You can be angry or grateful or scared. God knows anyway. No matter where you are in your prayer journey I will say this: prayer changes things. Its usually not immediate but ask anyone who prays what the result has been. If you are still skeptical about praying let me relay what a friend has to say about it… you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. If there isn’t a god then what does it matter? You’re just talking to yourself. If there is God then don’t you want him on your side?

Faith and fear have two things in common… they both take place in your mind.

#4 In your loneliness do NOT turn to social media! Don’t do it. Sign off. During some of my most difficult times I have had to walk away from social media for days, weeks, or even YEARS so I can regroup. If you stay on social media you may get some sympathy here and there, but the mental damage will do far more harm. As you watch the success in other people’s lives its like digging your own grave instead of working on a solution. Digging is exhausting! The highlight reels and personal rants of other people are the coffin for you to lie in. You don’t control your news feeds – a computer program does – so when you log on you are going to get information that you do not need at this point in our life. A computer does not have your best interest at heart. You will watch as everyone else seems to be living and doing the things you crave. You don’t need that right now so log out. You want to control your pain? Control your tears by eliminating the trigger of social media.

#5 Be stubborn! Every person I have ever met has a streak of stubbornness. I know you do too. So use it. Refuse to let the struggle win. Refuse to let this thing that you’re going through break you. And be determined to build your character in the process.

When doctors where talking about amputating my foot I remember telling a friend through tears “this will not happen to me in vain. I will find something good in this.” During the pandemic as depression creeped back in I told my counselor, “I will do something good with this pain.”

When all else felt like it was crashing I repeated over and over to myself, “Be courageous for I have conquered the world.” (John 16:33) Then I shorten it to just – courageous and conquered. If Jesus can overcome death then He can overcome this struggle too and since he is in me I will conquer. Latch on to a piece of Scripture to get you through this time. It will take the focus off you and your inabilities and put them on Christ and his mighty power. I had a friend send me a whole list of Bible verses that a friend sent her during some of her struggles. I’ve included those at the bottom of this article.

Bonus: Many of the world’s greatest inventions came while somebody was struggling with inventing something else. Sticky notes are a failed glue. It doesn’t stick very well. A failure, right? Well, you know the rest of that story. So, while you are struggling with something, take the time to see what is going right!

#6 Find a brain doctor. Remember that example about knee pain? You don’t go to a dentist for knee pain, do you? You wouldn’t go to an eye-doctor either. If there is something hurting in your brain then you go to a brain doctor… they are called psychiatrists. The first time I was told I should see a psychiatrist I went orbital. It really ticked me off. Come to find out a psychiatrist has helped me manage my depression and anxiety in a whole new way that has actually given me my power back. An orthopedic doctor is a doctor but couldn’t help me with my brain! Go to the right doctor that specialize in that body part.

Psychiatrist = brain doctor who can prescribe medication

Psychologist = counselor or offers talk therapy

When it comes to medication be patient with yourself and set up a support system. Unfortunately, science isn’t dialed in to know how to exactly help with the brain so it is a lot of trial and error until you find the right dosages and combinations. Someone told me I would feel like a guinea pig, and he was right, but knowing that this someone knew the journey (and he was one of my favorite people) it gave me the confidence to move forward. I did feel like a guinea pig for a while… I don’t anymore.

#7 Talk to a counselor. Saying you can’t afford a counselor is an excuse! Every church I’ve ever walked into has pastors and preachers ready and willing to offer counseling for FREE. If it’s not free at that church then go to another church because it is. Pastors and priests are in the business of helping people. There is a multitude of resources within a church and its church family. Tap into that. If you are here to learn about options on how to navigate your struggle then you are going to need to get behind the wheel and start navigating. That navigation may include a recalibration in your GPS that includes a stop at the local church.

Do you know the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

If you want to keep your drama out of your church then find a counselor. Talk to your health insurance company and see if they cover any sessions and what their regulations include. Make a list of qualities you want in your counselor and then find that person.

#8 Start a journal and keep a calendar. Get the struggle out of your mind and onto paper so it won’t have a place to manifest internally. Remember the mold example from tip #2?

I’ve also kept a number of medical journals to record my pain levels along with medications, exercise, and diet. For the ladies I can’t encourage you enough to keep a calendar and track your period. Your hormones do shift throughout the month and this can be another insight into triggers. All of these things play a part in your recovery. It always surprises me to see data after I’ve collected days of it! This puts me in a more empowering place to help guide my perseverance and recovery. It also helps a psychiatrist and counselor take out some of the guess work.

#9 Get fresh air! And exercise. If its cold outside then put on a coat and a scarf. If it’s hot, grab some sunscreen and a hat. Fresh air and natural vitamin D can be an immediate mood boost.

“Vitamin D production is one of the most well-known health benefits activated by exposure to sunlight. For our skeletal, cardiovascular, neurological, and immune systems, maintaining proper vitamin D levels protects against disease, optimizes physical performance, and improves mental health.” For crying out loud, and especially if you’re crying, Go outside!

#10 Get grateful. I know if you could slap me through this screen you would. But I’m serious, get grateful. Even for your struggles. If you take a moment to count your blessings, and even write them down, it triggers a positive brain shift from “whoa me” to “wow me”. God also tells us we can ask for anything. Literally anything! Here is that prayer piece again. God instructs to include thanksgiving with our requests.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

Can you imagine having peace in the midst of your current circumstance? It’s possible. It starts with prayer. What do you have to lose? Except your anxiety maybe.

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Bible Verses

Philippians 4:6-7 -- Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19 -- And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 46:10 -- Be still, and know that I am God.

Proverbs 3:5 -- Trust in the Lord completely, and do not rely on your own opinions. With all your heart rely on him to guide you, and he will lead you in every decision you make.

1 Peter 5:7 -- Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

John 16:33 -- And everything I've taught you is so that the peace which is in me will be in you and will give you great confidence as you rest in me. For in this unbelieving world you will experience trouble and sorrows, but you must be courageous for I have conquered the world!

2 Timothy 1:7 -- For God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love, and sound judgment.

Isaiah 66:13 -- I will comfort you there like a mother comforting her child.

Psalm 34:17 -- Yet when holy lovers of God cry out to him with all their hearts, the Lord will hear them and come to rescue them from all their troubles.

Psalm 55:22 -- Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.